All Couples Fight: Use Soft Start-Up to Argue Fairly

You and your partner are driving back home from a dinner with friends. The air between you is thick with anger from unresolved conflict, and the tension continues to grow. Back home, you slam the car door and hurriedly walk into the house. As soon as the door closes behind you, you hear a loud and frustrated voice, "I can't believe you ruined the entire evening with your attitude.” You think, “OMG, Is S/he trying to blame you for what happened?” You can't have that, so you walk up to face them and talk back, "Well, maybe if you paid more attention, you would realize it's not my fault!”

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, personal or professional. Also, conflicts aren’t always bad. Depending on how we handle conflicts, they can foster understanding, boundaries, collaboration, critical and adaptive thinking, and good communication, or they can lead to stress, anxiety, distrust, emotional withdrawal, violent behavior, and divorce.

Enter soft start-up, a must-use conflict resolution tool for couples.

The soft start-up is a communication technique that helps couples resolve conflicts amicably without throwing blame or allowing negativity to thrive. It involves starting a conversation calmly and respectfully, using gentle body language and tone of voice, and following a few steps I list later in this article. The goal of the technique is to help create a positive environment where both partners feel valued and heard, creating a foundation for compromise and finding solutions together.

The soft start-up was introduced by marriage therapist and author of the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Ph.D. It is now a technique used in couple’s therapy to help partners face and attack their problems rather than each other.

One six-year longitudinal study by Gottman predicted the likelihood of divorce of 124 newlywed couples based on the first few minutes of their conversations during marital conflict. The couples who started their discussions with negative emotions and were quite critical of each other ended up divorced within six years, while those who yielded to expressions of positivity enjoyed a stable and happy marriage.

Some of the benefits of using a soft start-up in your love relationship include:

 Improves communication

●  Increases empathy and mutual respect

●  Encourages vulnerability and fosters a deep sense of intimacy

●  Strengthens the relationship resilience

●  Promotes emotional safety

Steps to Implement the Soft Start-up in Conversations

●  Choose the Right Time and Place

●  Complain, but dont blame

●  Use “I” Statements

●  Express Positive Intent

●  Describe the Problem Clearly

●  Be Mindful of Your Tone and Body Language

●  Focus on the Present Issue

What if Soft Start-up Doesn’t Work?

While you can control your emotions, body language, tone of voice, and speech, you can't control how your partner responds. You can approach your partner with a soft start-up and receive a negative response. They might get angry, defensive, throw blame, be dismissive, or even launch a counterattack when you weren't attacking their person. Don't lose your cool.

Stay calm and try to get your conflict resolution through the first 3-minutes with a positive outlook. Try to calm your partner by assuring them that your intention is not to criticize, blame, gaslight, or attack them but to grow in understanding and connection. You can say something along the lines of "My defenses are down. My love for you transcends my ego, so I am not criticizing, blaming, or attacking you to make myself feel better. If I have said something false, it's because I spoke from my perspective; I want to resolve this with love and understanding. I'll listen to your perspective without judgment. Please do the same. I love you."

Ask them if this is a perfect time to sort through the issue or if they'd like some time to cool off because what may seem like the right time and place to you might not align with their perspective.

If you think that it will be exhausting to be the one who consistently uses the soft start-up to resolve things positively only to be met with negativity and charged with the responsibility of being the "bigger person," share this article with your partner.

If you’re looking for more customized help on navigating the complexities of your relationship, consider booking an appointment TODAY with Whitney B. Therapy, PLLC.